I looked down at my gun, or ‘blade’, which I thought of as my partner. Yes, partner, you and me better do some ‘running’ soon. And by running, I mean shooting. Yes, ‘blade running’ really means ‘gun shooting’. Specifically, shooting robots. I explained all this to my partner or ‘blade’. Or ‘gun’.
Another robot? Robots here. And even more robots there. Goshdarnit, sometimes I think there’s just too many robots all up in this city. It’s okay for me to think this. After all, I’m a robot too.
The lady with the cigarette was Lieutenant Joshi. My boss. A boss is a person who employs another. I was the employee, a person who works in return for currency. A cigarette is a type of drug that is set on fire.
I thought about the city. I thought about the girl. I thought about robots. I thought about what if the city was a robot, but real big-like. A mega-bot, with buildings for arms and such. Then I thought about living inside the arm or leg of a big city-robot. The head would be the best place, but on my salary, I’d only be able to afford armpit or butt.
I stared at the horse some more. Cool horse. What I liked about the horse was how symbolic it was. Like, really symbolic. Symbolic to the max, baby! What a horse. Staring at various objects can be fun.
Yeah, I drink. What of it? I’m damaged goods, and this adds to the tragedy of whatever is going on. What is going on, anyway? I’ve just got a killer buzz on right now. Trust me, it’s just a light buzz.
Is it me, or are there a ton of literary allusions floating around right now? Like, biblical references and stuff? I swear I heard a dude quoting John Milton, William Blake and suchlike. Oh man, I just realised that they make me quote poetry by Nabokov daily. How Kafkaesque. Oh wow, now even I’m doing it. This. Is. Blowing. My. Mind.
Do replicants think like humans? Do humans think like replicants? I didn’t really know much about their inner brain workings, but I knew I could use my brain to think thoughts in my head, like this. Just thinking and thinking. Good thing no-one can hear these thoughts. If they could, would I be thinking like this? Probably not. Thinky-think-think. I could go for a drink. Hey, that rhymes.
As I laid back on the stairs, I thought about everything that had happened. Just a ton of events. One after the other. And all of them had led to this point, I guess? To be honest, I drifted off for a bit in the middle. Did I “get” it? No. But this ending part sure seems meaningful.
Juice-powered traffic lights
Bouncy trebuchets, catapults & ballistae
Bouncy mobile army surgical hospital
M*A*S*H* DVD (final episode only)
L O S T DVDs (all except final episode)
M*A*S*H*E*D P*O*T*A*T*O*E*S (Instant)
Smashed Potato (Local Artisanal Vodka)
Smashed Avocado / Deposit on first home (choose one)
Haversham’s Guide to Topical Humour (1885 First Edition)
A Toast To My Health
Champagne (for my real friends)
Max Payne (for my gamer friends)
Max Headroom (only 80s kids remember)
A single wave is a function of the ocean in the same way that the itch on your left elbow is a function of your consciousness. Experience your itchy elbow to its full extent and you will know that I got you, I made you feel itchy, haha. Boy, you sure fell for the old itchy elbow routine.
The universe explores itself, and you are the hat on the explorer’s head, a pith helmet of sorts, fastened under the chin of the universe, festooned in front and back with bills for sun protection. But what cosmic suns would burn the neck and face of the universe? Such suns would indeed be enormous.
Spirituality is not thinking about God while peeling the potatoes. True spirituality is wondering what the potato is thinking about. Is it a happy potato? Is it a sad potato? Does the potato think you might be God? Are you a kind potato-god or a malevolent one? True spirituality is achieved when all potatoes decide to bow before you, the Zeus of Spuds.
If money is your goal, you will spend your life wasting your time, trying to gain money from game shows like Fear Factor. If you do things you don’t like doing in order to make money, you will end up in a perspex tank, covered in rats or bugs. Do not choose the path that leads to eating live spiders, for the spider is simply another aspect of the universe.
For unless one is able to live fully in the present, the future is a hoax. There is no point whatever in making plans for the future. When your plans mature, you will still be living for some other future beyond. Other such hoaxes include the moon landing, Elvis Presley’s death and don’t even get me started on JFK.
When we make music we don't do it in order to reach a certain point, such as the end of the composition. If that were the purpose of music then obviously the fastest players would be the best, which is a thing I certainly believe. In the time it has taken for me to say these words, I should be able to hear nine different songs played super-super-fast. I call my invention ‘hypertunes’ and it will be all the rage by 1975, mark my words.
This is the real secret of life -- to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play. Call your boss ‘coach’ and refer to your briefcase as ‘the old pigskin’. Typing is now renamed ‘spinning the yo-yo’ and overtime should always be referred to as ‘winning extra marbles’. Do you have RSI? Now you have ‘tennis elbow’. Is your co-worker irritating you? Not any more. Now they are ‘playing Connect Four’ at your ‘Jenga tower’.
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. And trying to bite your teeth is perhaps the best way to spend a spare seven minutes that I have ever found. It is highly recommended to do it while gazing at a mirror. Exceedingly good laughs await you.
How To Overcome Adversity By Harnessing The Remarkable Power Of Extremely Long Sentences That Seem Exciting But Soon Trickle Into Ineffectual Nothingness
Or, How To Write 400 Words Without Saying A Single Meaningful Thing
My life changed dramatically three days ago, utterly and completely transformed when I realised I could begin sentences with bold and interesting clauses without even having to make a point as long as the sentences were long, meandering and made up of incomplete ideas. People WILL pay close attention, transfixed like sprinters at the start of a hundred-metre dash until you do a bait-and-switch, replacing their sprint for an abnormally lengthy marathon few can get through without letting their focus drift away.
You will reach out and GRAB readers’ attentions tightly in your fist at the very beginning, before letting that iron grip relax as your words continue to drone on and on, their attention petering out as their eyelids begin to droop. Suddenly, BAM! another sentence, stirring and vibrant, capturing their attention back as they begin to think, wait, is there even a point to any of this and then, no, there is no point and there never was, everything is a lie and this article is nothing but sheer bluster dressed up as a how-to write column.
Whoa! Yikes! Yeehaw! are some fascinating, powerful interjections to throw in at the start of an unnervingly long set of clauses, strung together with what seems like purpose and drive yet turns out to be mere prevarication and evasion of even making the simplest valid statement. Stop and look wondrously upon this essay as you begin the realisation that it, too has started with much promise, then failed to redeem said promise by the end, letting the last paragraphs dissolve into meaningless drivel.
Yes indeed, it is a good thing that people quickly lose attention and let their vision skim, skim, skim along an essay like this, ignoring the dull, vapid content. This could be a metaphor for something but it isn’t, it’s just words that seem like a point has been made with nothing behind it, the lexical equivalent of an empty echo (echo (echo)).
This last paragraph doesn’t even try to start well, but that’s because everyone has already lost interest and started skimming while thinking about other things, indeed, anything else at all would be preferable to having wasted your time than reading this article. Having hit the word count perfectly, I now end this abomination's life, as I would a rabid monstrosity, although it is I who have inflicted meaningless on a world in need of answers.
Generic corn cereal (flaked)
Milk-ish way bars
Raft cheese slices
Ned Kelly beans
Toilet paper rolls
Rice paper rolls
Dog bites (food)
Man bites dog
Dog bites (for men)
Bitcoin for dogs
‘Frozen’ pizza (Let it go)
Bear Grylls brand frozen pee
Bear Grylls brand grill
Bear Grylls salmon
Lil Wayne grills (large)
Lil Wayne grills (lil)
As soon as the dame walked into my office I could see she had legs all right. Legs for days.
“Freshly grafted this week?”
“That’s right. I’m now an ex-amputee.”
She could have knocked me over with a feather; the three-foot wrought iron feather I noticed sticking out of her purse. I poured a coffee and a whisky, then drank both. The coffee was liquid gold and the whisky was nothing but smooth fire.
A week later, the burns on my throat and mouth were beginning to heal. I should never have put the coffee pot so close to the smelter.
The dame met me in the hospital car park.
“You’re no dame, dame,” I said hoarsely.
“I am indeed!” she said, adjusting her 50s cat eye glasses and brushing aside a stray hair from her purple wig. “Hello, possum.”
The nearby possum did not respond.
The long story of it was simple: I was hired for the sum of $300 a day, plus expenses, to look for a specific gunman. The short story is a piece of prose fiction that can be easily read in one sitting. My clients wanted dirt and I gave it to them by the shovelful. The peat bog and turf industry was a good day job for a PI. It kept me down to earth, and often lower.
I could tell I was in trouble, the kind of trouble that gets passed on like a bad infection. It starts with a sniffle and progresses to fluid in the lungs, if you can discern my meaning, which is that I had a case of walking pneumonia. I was sick and this city was twisted, mostly due to the many switchback roads and hilly inclines.
It was just another typical night in the Big Apple, which is the monument I sleep inside, located in Stanthorpe, Queensland. The commute to New York City each day was very, very expensive. So expensive, I’d have to start turning tricks.
And that’s the story of how I became the Masked Illusionist, turning magic into mundane trickery.
Coda: Dame Edna was never apprehended for her crimes, but I’m still on the lookout for the master puppeteer, Barry Humphries. Sorry, I mean Jim Henson.
Book on nature versus nurture
Piglet (naive and trusting)
Pig-sized wearable goat horns
I have taken a vow of silence.
Not bad, and you?
[smiley face] Good one!
One coffee please.
In this mug.
Sorry for holding up the queue.
Yes, it is a hot one.
[* = repeated page, see following]
I have taken a vow of silence.*
It doesn’t matter why.
Not bad, and you?*
Thanks. How are the kids?
It’s not to raise money.
Yes, I saw the game.
One coffee please.*
In this mug.*
It was a real nail-biter.
Yes, I saw the game.*
Please stop putting money in my coffee mug.
Because it still has coffee in it and I’m not raising money for anything.
Thanks. How are the kids?*
Yes, it is a hot one.*
Yes, it is a hot one.*
Yes, I saw the game.*
That last quarter was great.
It was a real nail-biter.*
I have taken a vow of silence.*
Yes, I saw the game.*
Yes, it is a hot one.*
Yes, I saw the game.*
Yes, I saw the game.*
That last quarter was great.*
It was a real nail-biter.*
Yes, it is a hot one.*
BECAUSE I WAS SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE FU-(illegible) OFFICE SMALL TALK, LORRAINE! ALL RIGHT? ARE Y-(illegible) HAPPY NOW? YOU’RE THE REASON! PEOPLE LIKE YOU! YOU SICKEN ME. YOU’RE DESTROYING MY PEACE OF MIND WITH YO-(illegible)-NANE BABBLE AND I WANT OUT! OUT!!! THAT’S WHY. THAT!! IS!! WHY!! SHUT THE HELL (illegible) LORRAINE!
I have taken a vow of silence.*
It Looked Like A Normal House... Until I Saw The Fourth Bedroom And Began To Laugh Uncontrollably For 7 Minutes Straight! The Wallpaper! The Curtains! My, What A Room! Whee-hee-hee!!!
It Looked Like A Dog. Then I Zoomed In And Realised It Was A Baby Hippo. Then I Zoomed Further And Saw It For What It Was: 3 Chinchillas In A Miniature Pantomime Horse Costume. But It Didn't Stop There.
This Four-Year-Old Gives A Speech About Toothpaste That Utterly Broke Me To My Core, Then A Five-Year-Old's Goofy Dance Built Me Back Up. Finally, A Six-Year-Old's Haiku Turned Me To Mush. I Have Deep-Seated Emotional Issues.
When I Saw The First Robot I Thought Nothing Of It But Then I Passed Two More And Then A Big Pile Of Robots, Then I Realised I Was In A Robot Factory. What Happened Next Was I Was Asked To Leave A Robot Factory!
When I Heard About This Cat I Screamed But That Is Because Someone Jumped Out At Me With The Video Playing On Their Phone. My Second Reaction Was To Call The Police About The Jumping Out But Not About The Cat.
27 Of The Funniest Borp Stimpsan Quotes Ever In The History Of The World. This Is Not A Typo. Borp Stimpsan Is A Fantastic Character I Made Up With My Friend Jeff.
What If I Told You You've Been Using Urinals Wrong Your Entire Life? Now What If I Told You It Was Me Because I Thought They Were For Shoe-Washing? Mind. Totally. Blown.
19 Wacky Ways Clock Towers And Grassy Knolls Factor Into The Manifestos Of Maniacs.
Come On, My Dude, Just Click Once More For Me!!! Just A Tiny Bit More Is All I Need And I’ll Be Out Of Your Hair! Hook A Brother Up With Some Sweet, Sweet Clicking Action!! I Can Quit Clicking Any Time, I Just Need A Tiny Taste Of Delicious Click-Sugar!!!!
Whoa! This Scene In A 1975 Shark Thriller Movie Made Me Jump Out Of My Skin With 1000% Fear But Then Laugh Super Loud When A Guy Says A Thing About A Boat. You Will Use This Catchphrase About Big Boats Forever.
7 Essential Facts About Chocolate That Made Me Vomit From Sheer Joy And Then Smack My Head On The Wall Until I Bled And Had To Call A Doctor But I'm Okay Now. Chocolate Lovers Unite!!
This List Of Perceptual Phenomena Made Me Smell The Colour Yellow With My Ears After I Drank Something Called ‘Electric Kool-Aid’.
Here Is The Reason Trump Will Definitely Be Impeached Within The Next Week Or Two And No, I Haven’t Made It Up This Time. It’s For Real. Click On This, For Certainly, This Is The One Article That Will Make A Lasting Difference.
How To Skateboard For Non-Skateboarders, By Someone Who Watched A 3 Minute Skateboarding Video Once On Buzzfeed Or Maybe It Was Facebook?
Grip the board in your left hand. It is probably called a board. The board has four wheels and those wheels should be aimed outwards. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to hang out with skateboard kids because they might be bad. Channel this ‘bad’ attitude into the skateboard, or ‘board’.
Throw or drop the board (skateboard) onto the ground, away from you. The wheels need to land first and it will start moving. Chase it and jump on top. The top is the black part and it may remind you of sandpaper and it might hurt. This is on purpose, to hurt your skin often so the frequent and painful skateboarding accidents just become routine.
Now you are on top of the skating 'board'. Great job! Keep it up, but don’t get cocky. By the way, depending on which way your feet are facing, you might be ‘goofy’. Not sure which, but it sounds fun either way. Remember ‘A Goofy Movie’? Does it make you feel warm, happy childhood emotions? Run from these feelings. Think about cigarettes or tattoos instead.
Now, turn the 'board' left, then right. Do that really fast, back and forth. Now, jump it up. Jump it up in a cool arch shape. The arch should not be the shape of the Sydney Harbour Bridge. It should be more like the shape of the St. Louis Gateway Arch, high and narrow. Picture this arch as you jump it up.
Finally, there is a thing called grinding. This is when the skateboard hits a bannister or hand-rail, heading downwards. All you need to do is jump up (St. Louis!) and make contact. From the video it seemed like there were magnets and it just locks in. So, lock the edge of your 'board' into a hand-rail directly after you have jumped it up. Great!
Well, now you know all of the things I learned from watching a 3 minute skateboarding video once on Buzzfeed. Or maybe it was Facebook? Remember to jump up and down big stairways and over obstacles and have a friend follow you everywhere with a smartphone camera.
Knowledge is power!
Want to sell products? Want to have things jumping off the shelves? Want ca$h-flow, and fast? Then you need to start advertising, my way. For instance, look back at the word cash-flow. Notice something? There's a subliminal dollar sign. I made you think about cash subliminally and superliminally. That last word is huge to let you know I'm a bona-fide marketing genius.
Still not convinced? You are, but here's some of my most recent pitches:
Voiceover: G'day, America! [That's right, I can sell Vegemite to America. What of it?]
A bald eagle flies across the screen. He perches on a US Flag. Camera zooms in on eagle face.
Voiceover: Wanna be more dinki-di and patriotic?
The eagle winks. It opens its beak and a river of Vegemite pours out.
Voiceover: Get this into your face, fatsos!
Zoom in on eagle's eye. It fills up with Vegemite as well. Pan out to reveal blackened, dripping flag. A pitch-shifted minor key version of The Star-Spangled Banner plays eerily.
Voiceover: Eat Vegemite. It's made of bald eagle dreams. And salt.
Fade to Vegemite logo.
Krispy Kreme Donuts
(Black-and-white) A man walks into a Krispy Kreme. He looks sad.
(Switch to colour) He walks out, smiling, with a bag of donut boxes in each hand.
Man: Hooray for donuts!
A man in a hoodie runs up and threatens him with a knife. Terrified, he hands the donuts over.
Criminal (Threateningly to camera): Knife crime is on the rise!
Voiceover: Join The Police Force!
Police recruitment website details appear over shot of knife repeatedly stabbing into jam donut. Raspberry jam oozes out, blood-like.
Voiceover: (Deep voice) Stooop Kniiife Criiiime.
Large, bold text: STOP KNIFE CRIME
Cats (The Musical) Themed Restaurant
Slow, lingering shots of delicious food, panning up from gourmet feast to reveal waiters and waitress dressed as characters from Cats.
Voiceover (exasperated): It's Cats The Musical. Remember? Andrew Lloyd-Webber? For the LAST time, there's no actual cat in any of the food. We do NOT serve cat-meat!
Sudden, jarring extreme close up of Steak Tartare.
VO: Hey, hey! This is beef, not cat. We are referencing the famed MUSICAL. So come to Cats, The Restaurant!
Sound effect of cat yowling cut short followed by loud chopping sound.
Close up of me.
Me: Hello advertising firms! I am a genius. How can you tell? I know words like (making dramatic quotation gestures) 'superliminally' and 'advertising'. I can revolutionise your company with my marketing savvy.
Camera zooms out and flips 180°, revealing me to be hanging upside down from the ceiling somehow.
Me: Forget everything you know!
I start walking across the ceiling toward the camera, which flips 180° again.
Me: Then forget you even knew that.
Zoom back in on my face. Vegemite pours out of my mouth just like the eagle ad. My personal mobile number appears, as does my twitter username. I grin through the Vegemite, teeth blackened. It is sickening. You hire me immediately.
(That may in fact have been placed by yours truly)
This is not a typo. I want a tiger that explodes in some way, not Tiger Balm. I do NOT need Tiger Balm, I need Tiger Blam.
This can be a stuffed tiger, a photo of a tiger, or an abstract concept that in some way conjures up a tiger for all who view such a thing. An onomatopoeic tiger will be considered, only if it sounds something like ‘blam’. ‘Boom’, ‘blamp’, ‘blaam’ or ‘blaaam’ will all be considered. I am willing to pay TOP DOLLAR* for this thing.
(*I will draw a picture of a dollar coin wearing a top hat. The coin will be smiling and that hat will be large.)
No fakes please. If you have Tiger Blam I will make it worth your while.
Nostalgia: Remember this show?
I am looking for the DVD or VHS of a show I used to love as a child. I can’t remember the title, so please bear with me. (I will accept poor-quality tapes and discs).
The show involved a bear called Montanus or Polycarp or maybe Exactotron. This bear was three times the size of the screen, so all you could see was his feet. He would do a different dance each episode and we would copy this in our lounge rooms at home while Mum made us cheese toasties after school.
There was also a talking tree who was DEFINITELY called Aladdin. He would always say ‘not that Aladdin’ and he laughed like a gurgling drain. When he laughed, apples came down and they were filled with soft cheese. There were always kids in the audience and they would eat the cheese-apples. This was why Mum made us cheese toasties to eat along with the show.
There was a river of cheese with a boat captain on a raft. His name was Charon (Karon?), and let the kids over the river for the price of a coin, and there was a cat with three heads on the other side. The cat sang songs about calcium and milk and also the cheese river.
I think it was sponsored by the dairy board. Please help if you know this or something like this show. I hope it was not a dream. I would do the dance I learned from the giant bear in class the next day and they would clap and laugh. It was my favourite childhood memory!
Genuine Time Travel Device
This is a serious scientific experiment.
Is time travel possible? I would like to know. This ad is for me, in the future (you know who you are. You are me in the future). All non-me personnel need not apply.
I would like you (future me) to appear at the place (wink, wink) where I am right now, typing at this computer. Please arrive approximately five seconds after I upload the ad and bring a spare time travel device.
I will trade for a 2013 sports almanac or similar.
No-one delete this ad until time travel is proven. They said this could not be done, but I just did it.
Note: I recently received this email from an unnamed source. I am a little worried it may be a scam. Please advise.
I have forwarded YOU this link because you are a person or people! As such, don’t YOU think that YOU might like to own YOUR own legitimately owned BUSINESS? Or a company?! Or companies?!
Exciting! NEW! Paragraphs! Which are this paragraph, which explains to you the EXCITEMENT that overwhelms in an! overwhelming! way! Just look at all these exclamation marks, why don’t you?
WHY DON’T YOU? They aren’t cheap and yet see how liberally! they are scattered across these words like the fiery! rain of God’s own brimstone! sent to destroy all rivals, leaving you standing ALONE! in the rubble!
There can be only ONE! And despite statistics that ONE is YOU!
But don’t take my word for it! WHY WOULD YOU? We barely know each other and I could be some kind of confused liar raised by a team of
INSANE behavioural scientists who taught me KEY words with the opposite definitions! Which would make EVERY day opposite day! Or NONE of them!
Oh no. I have run out of exclamation marks because they cost so much.
Just kidding!!! I am LITERALLY rolling in exclamation marks right now!!! I wish you could see me! I look like Scrooge McDuck but with punctuation instead of coins in a vault! How will you make SO MUCH MONEY? And type with so much DISREGARD for EASE OF READING?
By getting in on the GROUND FLOOR! This company is in a giant building and I am at the top and I am sending this message via PNEUMATIC TUBE RELAY to the GROUND FLOOR! At the top, I am!
Join me at the TOP! The BIG-TIME! The BIG TOP!
RUN AWAY and join my CIRCUS of SUCCESS! Circuses have exotic animals but does my office? Tiger-skin rugs may be ILLEGAL. BUT! My NO-RISK pink desk is made of big mink from MINSK!
I dictated that last line five times to my secretary who is a MONKEY BUTLER! We both laughed but not for any reason YOU might think!
Why won’t YOU set a GOAL? Achieve a DREAM? Hire a MONKEY BUTLER?! Then it is the correct time even accounting for daylight SAVINGS to get in on that GROUND FLOOR! of our building which is much like a COMPANY!
My triangular building sure is shaped a lot like a PYRAMID but this is no trick! It is a SCHEME! I’m ALL for it! And we want you to FALL for it too!
And HOW will you join us? You’ll be saying HOW NOW, CASH COW! The MILK of human kindness COMPELS you to jump on this MONEY CART straight to the CASH FARM! Don’t make this DIFFICULT for yourself. Capuchins REFUSE to use SPELL CHECK and find driving golf carts DIFFICULT!
I hope YOU are SIMPLE and also the method is SIMPLE!
SIMPLY SEND ME LOTS OF MONEY IN AN UNMARKED, UNADDRESSED ENVELOPE!
TIME is MONEY.
My MONKEY BUTLER and I (TIME is MONKEY!) thank YOU for all the TIME/MONEY/MONKEYS you have into the envelope AND into reading this letter.
This also appeared on Medium.