Chris Knight (Comedy)

Go ahead, laugh all you want.

How To Overcome Adversity By Harnessing The Remarkable Power Of Extremely Long Sentences That Seem Exciting But Soon Trickle Into Ineffectual Nothingness

Or, How To Write 400 Words Without Saying A Single Meaningful Thing

Photo by  Joshua Davis  on  Unsplash

Photo by Joshua Davis on Unsplash

My life changed dramatically three days ago, utterly and completely transformed when I realised I could begin sentences with bold and interesting clauses without even having to make a point as long as the sentences were long, meandering and made up of incomplete ideas. People WILL pay close attention, transfixed like sprinters at the start of a hundred-metre dash until you do a bait-and-switch, replacing their sprint for an abnormally lengthy marathon few can get through without letting their focus drift away.

You will reach out and GRAB readers’ attentions tightly in your fist at the very beginning, before letting that iron grip relax as your words continue to drone on and on, their attention petering out as their eyelids begin to droop. Suddenly, BAM! another sentence, stirring and vibrant, capturing their attention back as they begin to think, wait, is there even a point to any of this and then, no, there is no point and there never was, everything is a lie and this article is nothing but sheer bluster dressed up as a how-to write column.

Whoa! Yikes! Yeehaw! are some fascinating, powerful interjections to throw in at the start of an unnervingly long set of clauses, strung together with what seems like purpose and drive yet turns out to be mere prevarication and evasion of even making the simplest valid statement. Stop and look wondrously upon this essay as you begin the realisation that it, too has started with much promise, then failed to redeem said promise by the end, letting the last paragraphs dissolve into meaningless drivel.

Yes indeed, it is a good thing that people quickly lose attention and let their vision skim, skim, skim along an essay like this, ignoring the dull, vapid content. This could be a metaphor for something but it isn’t, it’s just words that seem like a point has been made with nothing behind it, the lexical equivalent of an empty echo (echo (echo)).

This last paragraph doesn’t even try to start well, but that’s because everyone has already lost interest and started skimming while thinking about other things, indeed, anything else at all would be preferable to having wasted your time than reading this article. Having hit the word count perfectly, I now end this abomination's life, as I would a rabid monstrosity, although it is I who have inflicted meaningless on a world in need of answers.

Why The Advertising Industry Needs Me

Want to sell products? Want to have things jumping off the shelves? Want ca$h-flow, and fast? Then you need to start advertising, my way. For instance, look back at the word cash-flow. Notice something? There's a subliminal dollar sign. I made you think about cash subliminally and superliminally. That last word is huge to let you know I'm a bona-fide marketing genius.

Still not convinced? You are, but here's some of my most recent pitches:

bald-eagle.jpg

Vegemite

Voiceover: G'day, America! [That's right, I can sell Vegemite to America. What of it?]

A bald eagle flies across the screen. He perches on a US Flag. Camera zooms in on eagle face.

Voiceover: Wanna be more dinki-di and patriotic?

The eagle winks. It opens its beak and a river of Vegemite pours out.

Voiceover: Get this into your face, fatsos!

Zoom in on eagle's eye. It fills up with Vegemite as well. Pan out to reveal blackened, dripping flag. A pitch-shifted minor key version of The Star-Spangled Banner plays eerily.

Voiceover: Eat Vegemite. It's made of bald eagle dreams. And salt.

Fade to Vegemite logo.

 

donut.jpeg

Krispy Kreme Donuts

(Black-and-white) A man walks into a Krispy Kreme. He looks sad.

(Switch to colour) He walks out, smiling, with a bag of donut boxes in each hand.

Man: Hooray for donuts!

A man in a hoodie runs up and threatens him with a knife. Terrified, he hands the donuts over.

Criminal (Threateningly to camera): Knife crime is on the rise!

Voiceover: Join The Police Force!

Police recruitment website details appear over shot of knife repeatedly stabbing into jam donut. Raspberry jam oozes out, blood-like.

Voiceover: (Deep voice) Stooop Kniiife Criiiime.

Large, bold text: STOP KNIFE CRIME

 

AndrewLloydWebber3_(cropped).png

Cats (The Musical) Themed Restaurant

Slow, lingering shots of delicious food, panning up from gourmet feast to reveal waiters and waitress dressed as characters from Cats.

Voiceover (exasperated): It's Cats The Musical. Remember? Andrew Lloyd-Webber? For the LAST time, there's no actual cat in any of the food. We do NOT serve cat-meat!

Sudden, jarring extreme close up of Steak Tartare.

VO: Hey, hey! This is beef, not cat. We are referencing the famed MUSICAL. So come to Cats, The Restaurant!

Sound effect of cat yowling cut short followed by loud chopping sound.

 

Me

Close up of me.

Me: Hello advertising firms! I am a genius. How can you tell? I know words like (making dramatic quotation gestures) 'superliminally' and 'advertising'. I can revolutionise your company with my marketing savvy.

Camera zooms out and flips 180°, revealing me to be hanging upside down from the ceiling somehow.

Me: Forget everything you know!

I start walking across the ceiling toward the camera, which flips 180° again.

Me: Then forget you even knew that.

Zoom back in on my face. Vegemite pours out of my mouth just like the eagle ad. My personal mobile number appears, as does my twitter username. I grin through the Vegemite, teeth blackened. It is sickening. You hire me immediately.

Actual Want-Ads Found On Gumtree

(That may in fact have been placed by yours truly)

I do not want this

I do not want this

Tiger Blam

This is not a typo. I want a tiger that explodes in some way, not Tiger Balm. I do NOT need Tiger Balm, I need Tiger Blam.

This can be a stuffed tiger, a photo of a tiger, or an abstract concept that in some way conjures up a tiger for all who view such a thing. An onomatopoeic tiger will be considered, only if it sounds something like ‘blam’. ‘Boom’, ‘blamp’, ‘blaam’ or ‘blaaam’ will all be considered. I am willing to pay TOP DOLLAR* for this thing.

(*I will draw a picture of a dollar coin wearing a top hat. The coin will be smiling and that hat will be large.)

No fakes please. If you have Tiger Blam I will make it worth your while.

 

Fond memories.

Fond memories.

Nostalgia: Remember this show?

I am looking for the DVD or VHS of a show I used to love as a child. I can’t remember the title, so please bear with me. (I will accept poor-quality tapes and discs).

The show involved a bear called Montanus or Polycarp or maybe Exactotron. This bear was three times the size of the screen, so all you could see was his feet. He would do a different dance each episode and we would copy this in our lounge rooms at home while Mum made us cheese toasties after school.

There was also a talking tree who was DEFINITELY called Aladdin. He would always say ‘not that Aladdin’ and he laughed like a gurgling drain. When he laughed, apples came down and they were filled with soft cheese. There were always kids in the audience and they would eat the cheese-apples. This was why Mum made us cheese toasties to eat along with the show.

There was a river of cheese with a boat captain on a raft. His name was Charon (Karon?), and let the kids over the river for the price of a coin, and there was a cat with three heads on the other side. The cat sang songs about calcium and milk and also the cheese river.

I think it was sponsored by the dairy board. Please help if you know this or something like this show. I hope it was not a dream. I would do the dance I learned from the giant bear in class the next day and they would clap and laugh. It was my favourite childhood memory!

 

See you (me) soon (now)!

See you (me) soon (now)!

Genuine Time Travel Device

This is a serious scientific experiment.

Is time travel possible? I would like to know. This ad is for me, in the future (you know who you are. You are me in the future). All non-me personnel need not apply.

I would like you (future me) to appear at the place (wink, wink) where I am right now, typing at this computer. Please arrive approximately five seconds after I upload the ad and bring a spare time travel device.

I will trade for a 2013 sports almanac or similar.

No-one delete this ad until time travel is proven. They said this could not be done, but I just did it.

Get In On The Ground Floor!

Note: I recently received this email from an unnamed source. I am a little worried it may be a scam. Please advise.

I have forwarded YOU this link because you are a person or people! As such, don’t YOU think that YOU might like to own YOUR own legitimately owned BUSINESS? Or a company?! Or companies?!

Exciting! NEW! Paragraphs! Which are this paragraph, which explains to you the EXCITEMENT that overwhelms in an! overwhelming! way! Just look at all these exclamation marks, why don’t you?

WHY DON’T YOU? They aren’t cheap and yet see how liberally! they are scattered across these words like the fiery! rain of God’s own brimstone! sent to destroy all rivals, leaving you standing ALONE! in the rubble!

There can be only ONE! And despite statistics that ONE is YOU!

But don’t take my word for it! WHY WOULD YOU? We barely know each other and I could be some kind of confused liar raised by a team of

INSANE behavioural scientists who taught me KEY words with the opposite definitions! Which would make EVERY day opposite day! Or NONE of them!

Oh no. I have run out of exclamation marks because they cost so much. 

Just kidding!!! I am LITERALLY rolling in exclamation marks right now!!! I wish you could see me! I look like Scrooge McDuck but with punctuation instead of coins in a vault! How will you make SO MUCH MONEY? And type with so much DISREGARD for EASE OF READING?

By getting in on the GROUND FLOOR! This company is in a giant building and I am at the top and I am sending this message via PNEUMATIC TUBE RELAY to the GROUND FLOOR! At the top, I am! 

Join me at the TOP! The BIG-TIME! The BIG TOP!

RUN AWAY and join my CIRCUS of SUCCESS! Circuses have exotic animals but does my office? Tiger-skin rugs may be ILLEGAL. BUT! My NO-RISK pink desk is made of big mink from MINSK!

I dictated that last line five times to my secretary who is a MONKEY BUTLER! We both laughed but not for any reason YOU might think!

Why won’t YOU set a GOAL? Achieve a DREAM? Hire a MONKEY BUTLER?! Then it is the correct time even accounting for daylight SAVINGS to get in on that GROUND FLOOR! of our building which is much like a COMPANY!

My triangular building sure is shaped a lot like a PYRAMID but this is no trick! It is a SCHEME! I’m ALL for it! And we want you to FALL for it too! 

And HOW!

And HOW will you join us? You’ll be saying HOW NOW, CASH COW! The MILK of human kindness COMPELS you to jump on this MONEY CART straight to the CASH FARM! Don’t make this DIFFICULT for yourself. Capuchins REFUSE to use SPELL CHECK and find driving golf carts DIFFICULT!

I hope YOU are SIMPLE and also the method is SIMPLE!

SIMPLY SEND ME LOTS OF MONEY IN AN UNMARKED, UNADDRESSED ENVELOPE!

TIME is MONEY. 

My MONKEY BUTLER and I (TIME is MONKEY!) thank YOU for all the TIME/MONEY/MONKEYS you have into the envelope AND into reading this letter.

This also appeared on Medium.