Chris Knight (Comedy)

Go ahead, laugh all you want.

Get In On The Ground Floor!

Note: I recently received this email from an unnamed source. I am a little worried it may be a scam. Please advise.

I have forwarded YOU this link because you are a person or people! As such, don’t YOU think that YOU might like to own YOUR own legitimately owned BUSINESS? Or a company?! Or companies?!

Exciting! NEW! Paragraphs! Which are this paragraph, which explains to you the EXCITEMENT that overwhelms in an! overwhelming! way! Just look at all these exclamation marks, why don’t you?

WHY DON’T YOU? They aren’t cheap and yet see how liberally! they are scattered across these words like the fiery! rain of God’s own brimstone! sent to destroy all rivals, leaving you standing ALONE! in the rubble!

There can be only ONE! And despite statistics that ONE is YOU!

But don’t take my word for it! WHY WOULD YOU? We barely know each other and I could be some kind of confused liar raised by a team of

INSANE behavioural scientists who taught me KEY words with the opposite definitions! Which would make EVERY day opposite day! Or NONE of them!

Oh no. I have run out of exclamation marks because they cost so much. 

Just kidding!!! I am LITERALLY rolling in exclamation marks right now!!! I wish you could see me! I look like Scrooge McDuck but with punctuation instead of coins in a vault! How will you make SO MUCH MONEY? And type with so much DISREGARD for EASE OF READING?

By getting in on the GROUND FLOOR! This company is in a giant building and I am at the top and I am sending this message via PNEUMATIC TUBE RELAY to the GROUND FLOOR! At the top, I am! 

Join me at the TOP! The BIG-TIME! The BIG TOP!

RUN AWAY and join my CIRCUS of SUCCESS! Circuses have exotic animals but does my office? Tiger-skin rugs may be ILLEGAL. BUT! My NO-RISK pink desk is made of big mink from MINSK!

I dictated that last line five times to my secretary who is a MONKEY BUTLER! We both laughed but not for any reason YOU might think!

Why won’t YOU set a GOAL? Achieve a DREAM? Hire a MONKEY BUTLER?! Then it is the correct time even accounting for daylight SAVINGS to get in on that GROUND FLOOR! of our building which is much like a COMPANY!

My triangular building sure is shaped a lot like a PYRAMID but this is no trick! It is a SCHEME! I’m ALL for it! And we want you to FALL for it too! 

And HOW!

And HOW will you join us? You’ll be saying HOW NOW, CASH COW! The MILK of human kindness COMPELS you to jump on this MONEY CART straight to the CASH FARM! Don’t make this DIFFICULT for yourself. Capuchins REFUSE to use SPELL CHECK and find driving golf carts DIFFICULT!

I hope YOU are SIMPLE and also the method is SIMPLE!



My MONKEY BUTLER and I (TIME is MONKEY!) thank YOU for all the TIME/MONEY/MONKEYS you have into the envelope AND into reading this letter.

This also appeared on Medium.