Why The Advertising Industry Needs Me
Want to sell products? Want to have things jumping off the shelves? Want ca$h-flow, and fast? Then you need to start advertising, my way. For instance, look back at the word cash-flow. Notice something? There's a subliminal dollar sign. I made you think about cash subliminally and superliminally. That last word is huge to let you know I'm a bona-fide marketing genius.
Still not convinced? You are, but here's some of my most recent pitches:
Voiceover: G'day, America! [That's right, I can sell Vegemite to America. What of it?]
A bald eagle flies across the screen. He perches on a US Flag. Camera zooms in on eagle face.
Voiceover: Wanna be more dinki-di and patriotic?
The eagle winks. It opens its beak and a river of Vegemite pours out.
Voiceover: Get this into your face, fatsos!
Zoom in on eagle's eye. It fills up with Vegemite as well. Pan out to reveal blackened, dripping flag. A pitch-shifted minor key version of The Star-Spangled Banner plays eerily.
Voiceover: Eat Vegemite. It's made of bald eagle dreams. And salt.
Fade to Vegemite logo.
Krispy Kreme Donuts
(Black-and-white) A man walks into a Krispy Kreme. He looks sad.
(Switch to colour) He walks out, smiling, with a bag of donut boxes in each hand.
Man: Hooray for donuts!
A man in a hoodie runs up and threatens him with a knife. Terrified, he hands the donuts over.
Criminal (Threateningly to camera): Knife crime is on the rise!
Voiceover: Join The Police Force!
Police recruitment website details appear over shot of knife repeatedly stabbing into jam donut. Raspberry jam oozes out, blood-like.
Voiceover: (Deep voice) Stooop Kniiife Criiiime.
Large, bold text: STOP KNIFE CRIME
Cats (The Musical) Themed Restaurant
Slow, lingering shots of delicious food, panning up from gourmet feast to reveal waiters and waitress dressed as characters from Cats.
Voiceover (exasperated): It's Cats The Musical. Remember? Andrew Lloyd-Webber? For the LAST time, there's no actual cat in any of the food. We do NOT serve cat-meat!
Sudden, jarring extreme close up of Steak Tartare.
VO: Hey, hey! This is beef, not cat. We are referencing the famed MUSICAL. So come to Cats, The Restaurant!
Sound effect of cat yowling cut short followed by loud chopping sound.
Close up of me.
Me: Hello advertising firms! I am a genius. How can you tell? I know words like (making dramatic quotation gestures) 'superliminally' and 'advertising'. I can revolutionise your company with my marketing savvy.
Camera zooms out and flips 180°, revealing me to be hanging upside down from the ceiling somehow.
Me: Forget everything you know!
I start walking across the ceiling toward the camera, which flips 180° again.
Me: Then forget you even knew that.
Zoom back in on my face. Vegemite pours out of my mouth just like the eagle ad. My personal mobile number appears, as does my twitter username. I grin through the Vegemite, teeth blackened. It is sickening. You hire me immediately.